There’s a difference between being safe and being comfortable, whether physical or psychological.

When you’re training to run a marathon, there’s no doubt there will be some discomfort while training. There will be a certain point where, if you overtrain, it becomes unsafe, but it’s further along than the point at which you become uncomfortable.

When you’re learning something new, there may be discomfort due to fear of the unknown, fear of failure, or fear of how you may be perceived. But we don’t learn if we don’t go past our comfort zone.

We seem to have lost track of the distinction between safety and comfort.

This is especially true when it is psychological and interpersonal, possibly because we don’t like feeling uncomfortable in public.

There’s a tendency to describe conversations as unsafe when perhaps it’s better described as uncomfortable.

When you’re having a conversation on topics such as giving or receiving constructive feedback, resolving disagreements or addressing behavioural or cultural issues, chances are that it won’t be comfortable. But if done skillfully, these conversations provide great opportunities for learning, improved understanding and strengthened relationships.

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But if we do not distinguish between safety and comfort, we run into problems, such as:

• An inability to have constructive conversations on performance and behaviour due to fear of being told that it’s unsafe.
• Avoidance of productive disagreements as people fear it will result in dangerous and unsafe conflict. This avoidance often leads to prolonged and unnecessary disharmony.
• An inability to address difficult issues such as sexism, racism, homophobia or any oppressive behaviour as the marginalised may ‘cancel’ or shame people. Those who are ‘cancelled’ then shut down or become defensive rather than have the uncomfortable conversations.

The challenge is that the line between feeling uncomfortable and unsafe can be:

• Blurred – we may feel unsafe when we’re uncomfortable, so the distinction is not clear cut.
• Different between individuals – depending on different perceptions of safety/lack of safety and different tolerance levels for discomfort.
• Constantly changing – power dynamics impact perceptions of safety and are also variable and context dependent.

My thoughts on this have been stirred by a few discussions and articles I noticed recently about what psychological safety is NOT, in addition to my experiences as a facilitator/practitioner. These include

• Amy Edmondson describing how psychological safety is misunderstood and misused
• Ann Kowal Smith wrote in a Forbes article: “[Despite the benefits] psychological safety is broadly misunderstood and much maligned. It’s not a free-for-all where people can say whatever they want without consequence. It’s not an insurance policy against being fired. It’s not an excuse to be offended by everything and everyone. Sadly, the term psychological safety is often met with an eye roll or a cringe these days—just when we need its outcomes most”
• Timothy R. Clark on Challenger Safety and what psych safety is not and 7  misconceptions about psychological safety
• Georgia Murch (GAICD) on Psychological safety may be making us play too safe

They all suggest that the distinction between comfort and safety has become blurred and is costing individuals, relationships, teams and organisations.

Too often, we ‘tap out’ of uncomfortable conversations or situations by:

• Moving the conversation along or smoothing over as soon as we hit a ‘hot spot’.
• Ignoring or even try to forget that we touched a difficult topic.
• Taking ‘hot topics’ offline or outside a group conversation when it’s important to involve the group.
• Failing to follow up when ‘hot topics’ are taken offline and need to be followed up.
• Judging others, making them ‘wrong’ or labelling them rather than having a conversation and listening to understand.
• Blaming others for making the situation difficult, uncomfortable or unsafe.
• Avoiding others all together and ignoring the proverbial elephants in the room.

Psychological safety should enable uncomfortable conversations and growth, rather than get in the way.

It is quite a difficult balancing act in a group, however, because perceived safety varies from person to person, depending on past experiences including trauma, personality, and skills and experience in difficult conversations. For example, a high school debater may feel more comfortable to have conversations with opposing views compared to others.

Potential ways to stay with the discomfort while maintaining safety

Based on numerous group conversations we have facilitated, here are some ways to stay in the conversation rather than ‘tap out’ while also maintaining safety.

• Talk upfront about the distinction between safety and comfort.
• Encourage people to notice feelings of, and reactions to, discomfort while also looking after themselves. Have a way to pause if it feels unsafe.
• Invite people to notice group dynamics and be aware as much as possible of the impact they may have on the group.
• Develop and invite higher quality listening and inquiry, especially when people disagree or have different views.
• When uncomfortable moments arise, SLOW right down.
• Name that it may be uncomfortable for some in the room when the level of heat rises.
• Avoid making assumptions about what others may be thinking or feeling. If unsure, ask.
• Very importantly, avoid making assumptions about others’ intentions. Beware of the fundamental attribution error (where we can mistakenly assume negative intent or poor character) as it can result in labelling and exacerbate division.

Groups are always dynamic and unpredictable so we’re curious to hear what you have encountered in challenging group discussions. What might you add to this list to improve the quality and depth of conversations? 

Skillfully working through discomfort can lead to, among other things, better decisions, increased understanding and improved relationships.  While it’s never easy, we can get a lot better at it. Acknowledging the difference between comfort and safety is an important starting point.

Written by Megumi Miki, with Anna Reeve and Leigh Gassner, co-founders of Leaders who Listen. We aim to develop leaders who create a listening environment of safety and space within their organisations to enable better decision making, drive growth and innovation, enhance collaboration and inclusion, and manage risk. If you’d like to understand how your leadership team can engage in productive disagreements, contact us about our Leaders who Listen assessment tools, presentations, masterclasses and development programs.